Monday, May 9, 2011

The pain of infertility.

I am debatably the most blessed woman in the world.

I have a loving,  devoted husband who puts up with me and my insecurities. I have two adoring, beautiful, wonderful, healthy and active miracle children. I have had a lifetime of love and blessings. I am so grateful for the gift of adoption and I cannot imagine my life without adoption! It has changed me, opened my eyes and shown me the kind of love and relationship that only God can create.

There was a time in my life when I could not imagine a life without giving birth. A time when I felt that my whole life depended on that one significant thing. I was mourning, in pain and depressed by my situation. I went through a lot. I went through loss, grief and saying goodbye to my pregnancy before it was even real.

To this day I find myself wondering what it would be like to carry a baby in my own body. I struggle to feel that I am fully "normal" because so many perceive adoption as foreign and their painful words cut me to the core. But I imagine life is like this for many people in different circumstances. I know that I am seeing my life long dream come true- to be a mom. It's entirely different than I imagined in my head when I was younger. I wouldn't change it though. Not for anything!

That doesn't mean I don't wish that I could know what it's like. It doesn't mean I don't wish that I didn't feel the need to explain my family all of the time. It doesn't mean that when someone (particularly those who are close to me) asks me about my children's "real mom" I don't cringe.

I think it means that I have grieved a loss and I am embracing God's plan for my life.

I know many people that tell me I shouldn't give up on the "dream of childbirth". I honestly haven't "given up a dream". I've embraced a different one. I look forward to my future and hope that it involves many more opportunities to adopt, help someone adopt and minister to adoptive families.

If you find yourself still in the process of grieving, I want to encourage you to talk to someone who has adopted. Talk to an adult that was adopted. Listen to the miracle stories and I pray that your hope for your dream of a child is fulfilled. No one should have to face a hopeless future, and let me assure you, infertility is not a hopeless future. It is hard, painful, lonely (I certainly know this) and sometimes it is hopeless for a while. I pray you find your hope. This is what my hope looks like....






I am truly blessed beyond measure. 

3 comments:

  1. The honesty of people like you who have been there helps people who are in the beginning have hope. Thank you.

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  2. You have no idea what blessings you are in for! I can't wait to hear your adoption story Gretchen. -Sarah

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  3. Beautiful Sarah! Very well written.

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