My First Mother's Day May 2011
I cannot find the words to describe what it is like to be a mother on this mother's day. I am mommy to a beautiful, precious, vivacious girl who is the most wonderful thing to behold. What makes this holiday so amazing is my daughter's history.
My daughter called someone else mom last year during this holiday.
Last year during this holiday, my heart was ripped to pieces. I wanted so badly to be this adorable girl's mom, and to celebrate this day with her, but my daughter was – at best – confused by what was happening in her life. She didn't really understand why – at four years old, she began meeting these new people, and people were saying I was her “mom” too..... I literally remember sobbing (that horrible ugly cry when you can't breathe) telling a friend how hard that Mother's Day was during that season of short visits with her, and waiting, unknown, and limbo.
She gave me a gift she made at school last year, and then decided she wanted to give it to her foster mother instead. My husband would have stopped her to save me from hurt, but I didn't say a word - I couldn't do that to my sweet confused little girl. On a visit together she asked me if I could buy her mom some flowers for mothers day; and we did. It was a struggle with all these people who controlled her life then, (agencies, foster family, etc.) to even get to see her on Mother's Day last year, and although it was wonderful to see her and play at the park, it really didn't mean anything to her. It was a hard, bittersweet day.
This year is – well, amazing. They have made a big deal at her preschool of explaining what Mothers Day means, and made gifts for mom. She has made me heartfelt papers she colored on and had her teacher write “I love you mommy” on it. She said she is making me something every day this week for mothers day at school – I can't wait to see it all!
She keeps covering her mouth because she wants so badly to tell me all the secrets she and Daddy have cooked up for me. And somehow, she accidentally told me she has made me a Crown to wear on Mother's Day. She asked me three times if I liked her Mother's Day drawing. Three times, with an embarrassed smile! Then she buried her head on me and said quietly “Happy Mother's Day Mommy”.
The real truth is that sometimes during the past year I have wondered if she thinks of someone else when people ask who her mom is. Sometimes I have wondered who she really associates with that special title.
But not anymore. Not after this. Her eyes hold nothing back when she tells me she loves me. Her face shines with excitement when she tells me Mother's Day will be so much fun.
Her school is doing a Mother's Day picnic on Friday. And when I sit with her on a blanket eating heart shaped sandwiches I will never forget what it is like to be – not just a mom, - but my sweet daughter's mom.
Mom to a girl who has had her own heart ripped to pieces by abandonment and trauma. Mom to a girl who somehow has opened her heart to me, loves me, and calls me “Mommy”. How is it possible that God has blessed me this big?
What indescribable joy. I will never forget this Mother's Day. -Christen
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Thank you so much Christen for sharing your story and your heart! Your daughter is a beautiful and wonderful gift! You are a wonderful mom and you inspire me with your tenderness, love and the nurture that you show to your daughter and those around you! I just love how God knits together families through adoption! There isn't anything more marvelous than a family pieced together by God.
-Sarah
